All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
