I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
