our cab driver is having phone sex.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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