We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I am naked and annoyed.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
