They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
