Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Randomize
