I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
