Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
