I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
