me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
