i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
