i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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