I think I died a long time ago.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
