I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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