he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
