I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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