Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
