Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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