if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
