plz talk dirty to me
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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