She said her name was "party"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
