I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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