the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Is Oprah even human
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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