someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
