sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
