I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
