I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
