I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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