it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
