this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
it's like heaven, but drunker
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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