My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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