at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
