life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
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