At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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