Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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