The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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