hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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