i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I need to calm my uterus...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
