making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
