Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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