you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
