white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
