I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
