Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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