i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
