I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
