I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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