God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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