dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
