fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
