a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
