My liver just broke up with me...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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