So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
