I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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