no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm sobbing to NWA
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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