Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize